


Now I'm Stuck In a Reality Without You

by Reiloves



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt Harry, Hurt Louis, Hurt/Comfort, Liam and Niall only make a brief appearance, Louis is a silly boo, M/M, Makeup, Nick is not very nice, OT5 Friendship, Temporary Amnesia, Zouis frienship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-04-21
Packaged: 2018-06-03 14:00:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6613348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reiloves/pseuds/Reiloves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When did it all go so wrong? He mused silently, running a hand wearily through his mussed hair.</p>
<p>He doesn’t remember when the fights started, when loving words and comforting touches turned to angry shouts and hateful glares. He doesn’t remember when their traditional date nights and candlelit dinners became pub crawls, separately, and stumbling home alone afterwards into a cold, empty bed- he doesn’t remember when he started missing it all.</p>
<p>He remembers being happy- sure, there were definitely trying days; days they were too tired, too frustrated with management, with their beards, with hiding, that they just… just wanted it all to end, but they had always pulled through because they were them together, and that made it all worthwhile. It wasn’t easy, no, but they had always been happy… hadn’t they?</p>
<p>He doesn’t remember the last time Harry’s held him in his arms."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now I'm Stuck In a Reality Without You

_“It’s not like you really even care anyways! Go find your precious Nick! Just leave!”_

_“…Fine.”_

The door slammed shut, the devastated silence seemingly haunting him as he sat alone in the darkness of the room. His head slumped backwards remorsefully as he sighed- he never meant his words, never meant to fight with him; of course he didn’t. He had promised himself he would never let anyone hurt him, and yet… yet _he_ was the one inflicting the pain. And it hurt, so, _so_ much more than he thought it would when he saw it- the look of despair and anguish _he_ had worn, just seconds before he turned to leave.

_When did it all go so wrong?_ He mused silently, running a hand wearily through his mussed hair.

He doesn’t remember when the fights started, when loving words and comforting touches turned to angry shouts and hateful glares. He doesn’t remember when their traditional date nights and candlelit dinners became pub crawls, _separately,_ and stumbling home _alone_ afterwards into a cold, empty bed- he doesn’t remember when he started missing it all.

He remembers being happy- sure, there were definitely trying days; days they were too tired, too frustrated with management, with their beards, with hiding, that they just… just wanted it all to _end,_ but they had always pulled through because they were _them_ _together_ , and that made it all worthwhile. It wasn’t easy, no, but they had always been _happy_ … hadn’t they?

He doesn’t remember the last time Harry’s held him in his arms.

Startling from his thoughts by a burst of lightning, soon accompanied by a cracking roar of thunder, he glanced out of the window, eyes widening as he noticed the thick drops falling from the skies. _How long has it been…?_ He checked his watch, heart squeezing uneasily at the looming dark clouds that hung over the city. _Half an hour…_ Louis pulled out his phone, tapping his feet impatiently as he waited for him to answer. He frowns when he hears the familiar melody of his ringtone playing, heart sinking as he follows it to the source- Harry had left his phone behind.

“Shit…” He swore under his breath as he noted the rapidly increasing gush of rain, clenched fist tightening as he quickly threw his jacket on, grabbing his on the way as he hurried to the door. He had to find him; the fight, the apologies, the regret… that could wait- as long as his boy was safe, that was all that mattered.

~

_Knock knock. Knock, knock._

He hurriedly flung the door open, his smile of relief cut short when he sees the two policemen at the door instead of who he’d expected.

“Are you Louis?” One of them questioned, voice soft, gentle- _too gentle_ , Louis thinks- something like sympathy dancing in their eyes. Louis nodded hesitantly, having lost his voice as his throat tightened with fear.

“There’s been an accident- we think it’s a hit and run. Mr Styles has been taken to UCL hospital; We can take you there, if you would like us to.”

“O-Oh… Okay.” He choked out, apprehension twisting and turning in his gut as he stumbled out into the patrol car.

“Would you like us to call someone? You’re in shock; you shouldn’t be alone right now.”

“I…- Um… Zayn.” He stuttered, barely making out the slight nod, or the murmured conversations past the sound of rushing blood in his ears. He exhaled shakily, pinching the bridge of his nose to prevent the tears of slipping out.

_When had it all gone so wrong? This shouldn’t have happened- not now, just after their fight, not when he hasn’t told Harry he loves him. Not ever. This should never have happened to Harry._

The next events past in a blur; he doesn’t remember being guided out and into the hospital, doesn’t remember going to the reception desk on trembling legs, or being directed to the ward Harry was in; doesn’t remember when Zayn appeared, pulling him into a tight hug, hands smoothing soothingly down his back.

He does remember freezing up when they approach the ward, hearing the familiar sound of laughter- _Harry’s laughter_ \- and feeling the ice cold fear slowly thawing, only to be replaced by dread when he notices _Nick Grimshaw_ in the room and hears Harry’s innocent question of whether the man was his boyfriend.

“Why, Harry, babe, I can’t believe you would forget someone as amazing as me!”

~

“The f-…” Zayn marched forward angrily, shooting Louis an incredulous look when the smaller male pressed a hand to his chest with a shake of his head.

“Zayn, don’t.”

“But mate, he-…” The raven haired male started, pointing furiously at the radio host. He’s never liked him- none of them had, really, none of them but Harry at least- Louis hated him too, hated the way he was always eyeing his boy, hated the way he took Harry’s attention from him, _hated_ the smug smirk he wore when he did, shooting Louis a pointed look as if to gloat.

“I think… Maybe it’s better this way.” _I couldn’t- can’t give him what he wanted, what he needed._

“What?! That is the most ridiculous-”

“I haven’t seen him smile in so long… I didn’t realize- He’s _happy_.” Louis stared at the wide grin playing on his- on Harry’s lips, eyes softening at the deep rumbling chuckles he never _realized_ he was even missing till now.

“Louis… He was happy with you.” Zayn sighed, giving a comforting squeeze to the elder’s shoulder, knowing how much it had to be tearing him up inside to have come to this conclusion- that he had to let Harry go.

“ _Was._ He was… He was suffering while he was with me too, more recently, and I can see that now.”

“What about you though, Lou?” He shrugs, offering him a weak smile. He wanted to say that he would be okay, that he would get over it- _could_ get over it, as long as Harry was happy, but… how could he be, when it feels like his heart was being ripped from his chest, taken apart shred by shred.

He wouldn’t be okay; he knows he wouldn’t.

Harry was _it_ for him.

He sneaks another glance back into the ward, just watching silently, even as the pain in his chest is starting to crush him when Harry flashes that smile- _warm, tender, loving_ \- to Nick. That smile that once belonged solely to him, now directed to another. Louis stands silently by the door, back against the wall as he allows a forlorn smile to tilt his lips _._

_Your smile… Is all I can wish for…_

He wonders if he would ever be okay again.

~

A few months have passed since the accident. Band activities have resumed, now that Harry’s all recovered, and Louis can’t help but be grateful to their management (as much as he still hates them for being the cause for their distance) for their extremely busy schedule; not when he gets to see Harry every day, as painful as his longing for his curly haired lover gets, as torturous as it is when he watches Harry with Nick during promotional events and he can just feel the tension and sympathy rolling off the other boys as they worriedly check on him. But he doesn’t- _can’t_ \- bring himself to regret his decision, not when Harry looks so happy, so utterly in bliss. And he thinks that as long as Harry’s happy, then he’s happy too; he’d do _anything_ to keep that smile on his face.

Louis stays close to Harry- _close friends, nothing more_ \- under the persuasion of the other members; the one and only privilege he allows himself to possess in the younger male’s life. Harry never suspects a thing about him- _about them_ , oblivious to the _sorrow_ that emerges when his back’s turned; the _anguish,_ the _longing_ that stems from his friendly gestures when he pulls the shorter male into his side for a cuddle. He doesn’t know- _doesn’t even notice_ \- how Louis stiffens at his touch, how he shies away when they are too close together. Louis knows that Harry doesn’t see these; the little things he tries, but is unable to completely bury. Harry doesn’t see them, and he plans to keep it that way.

Harry doesn’t see… but he _does_ feel it. There’s this strange, tingly sensation that starts at the bottom of his stomach when he’s around the elder; a feeling that slowly builds up till he feels like gushing and fawning over him like an obsessed fan girl. There’s this spark of something- _something he can’t comprehend_ \- that ignites in him when he sees him; a shock that shoots up his arm at the briefest of touches. There’s something about the way Louis holds himself, that makes his heart ache and he just wants to cry and tell him to let go- _because it’s going to be ok_.

And more and more, without realizing, Harry finds that Louis has already invaded his mind- like a plague, his presence demands attention, and he’s not about to leave. 

~

“Niallllll! When is Lou gonna get here?” Harry asks, the words slipping from his lips carelessly as he languidly turns from the TV to face Niall. And he can’t help but wonder, as he impatiently waits for his reply, if the blonde could see his anxiety, eagerness to see the older male, if he could see how much interest, affection he held for Louis, if he could see how much the other monopolized his thoughts and occupied his heart.

“Soon, Harry, _soon._ Jesus, that’s the fifth time you’ve asked me in the past fifteen minutes or something!” Harry distractedly hums in reply, ignoring the rest of his strange mutterings- something about _lovesick idiots_ and _gay dads needing to get their shit together_ \- drumming his fingers anxiously against the couch. He doesn’t know why he suddenly feels the _need_ to see Louis, the twisting in his stomach provoking a strange fear in him, of which the cause or origin was unknown to him.  

~

“Hello?”

_“Hello, may I speak to Harry Styles?”_

“Yes, um. That’s me.” Harry paused, coughing awkwardly as he tried to breathe past the growing knot in his throat.

_“I am calling from St. Mary’s Hospital; you were listed as an emergency contact for a Mr Louis Styles-”_

“Louis?? I don’t- What?”

_“Are you not the spouse of Mr Styles?”_

“I-…” He trailed off weakly, gut clenching uncomfortably as the realization dawned upon him and he _knew,_ just knew- had _always_ known, really; the niggling jealousy screaming _mine_ at the back of his mind when Louis would hug someone else, the tug at his heart at the faintest of touches between them… the easy, comfortable relationship between them, tinged with adoration and the gentle warmth simmering beneath –letting out a shuddering breath as he attempted to collect himself.

He has always only ever been _Louis’._

“Yes. Yes, I am his husband. W-What happened?”

_“Mr Styles was just brought in, a suspected stabbing-”_

“I’m on my way.” He choked out, mind flooded with different possible scenarios- of Louis hurt, _alone,_ fresh blood painting the street; of a limp body with fluffy caramel hair, those gorgeous blue eyes closed, skin pale and drained of that wonderful tan- heart pounding as he frantically pulled his jacket and shoes on with trembling fingers, Niall following close behind him.

“Harry? What’s going on?? What happened to Louis?”

“I have to go. The hospital just called- they said… he’s been stabbed, I don’t know what- Oh God, I have to go.” Niall nodded curtly, face pale and eyes wide as he grabbed his keys and ushered the frazzled male into his car.

“I’m coming with you.”

~

Harry perched anxiously on the cold plastic chairs lining the hospital corridor, back stiff with tension and leg jiggling nervously. He ran a hand through his curls, pulling none too gently at the roots, getting up to pace furiously as the silence began to weigh heavily on his shoulders.

“Harry!” Footsteps pounded towards him as he swivelled round to see the other members, Niall having gone to intercept them at the reception to lead them up. They skidded to an abrupt stop before him, Zayn’s usually artful hair was a slight mess and Liam’s eyes creased with worry.

“What’s happening now? Is he okay?” 

“I don’t know, the doctor hasn’t…” Harry shook his head, stumbling over his words in his distress, gesturing helplessly to the closed doors.

“Family of Louis Styles?” All four heads whipped to face the surgeon, faces pinched with apprehension as they crowded around him for information.

“Me. I am; I’m his husband. How is he?” Harry urged, taking another step closer to draw the surgeon’s attention to him, ignoring the surprise littering Zayn and Liam’s expressions.

“He’s stable now; the wound was shallow and he was found quickly. We’ll be moving him to the ward and you’ll be able to see him then.”

“He’s okay… He’ll be okay.” Harry breathed out in relief, burying his head into his hands tiredly as he sunk back down onto the hard chairs, the events of the past hour finally catching up to him.

“Oh my God. Louis is my husband.” Liam sat gingerly on the seat beside him, slipping a cautious hand on his shoulder as he exchanged brief glances with the other two boys.

“Harry, I don’t think…” He started gently, trying to find the appropriate words to explain, to _excuse_ the situation to the curly haired male; it wasn’t _right,_ they’d known it wasn’t, but it was what Louis had wanted.

“No, it’s fine. Better than fine, actually, it’s great! I just- _God,_ why didn’t anyone tell me he was my _husband_.”

“It’s what Louis wanted.” Harry’s head snapped up at that statement, hurt bubbling in him as he gaped at Zayn.

_Did Louis not want me anymore?_

“What?” Zayn shrugged stiffly, averting his eyes in discomfort as he shuffled his feet restlessly, itching for a smoke to ease the tension.

“That day at the hospital, we saw you with Nick and… He said… that you were happy now. That you hadn’t been happy with him in a long time, and that maybe it was better this way.”

“That… That absolute idiot! And he didn’t think that that should have been my choice to make? I wouldn’t have wanted this- I don’t want this! I want him, I love him!” “Harry spluttered, incredulity sprawled across his features as he threw his arms up in (fond, always fond) exasperation. His eyes softened at the shocked expressions on the other boys’ faces, knowing it was the first time since the accident that he’d admitted to feeling anything other than a platonic _like_ when it came to the eldest in the band.

 “…I love him… I couldn’t remember _us,_ but I love him…”

~

_“Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?” Harry traces the flight of an airplane across the starry night, splaying his fingers out wide as if to capture the blinking lights._

_"I could really use a wish right now…” The remaining lyrics were murmured softly, tenderly; simple words that held so much fragility, so much meaning in them._

_“All the stars are coming out tonight, they are lighting up the skies tonight, for you...” Louis whispers against trembling lips, entwining their fingers together, promises of eternity locked between them._

_"You don’t need to pretend. It will be anything you want it to be.” Harry rolls over to snuggle up to him, slender fingers tightening their hold as he mumbles quietly._

_“Marry me, Lou.” And Louis replies, with a reassuring squeeze of his own._

_“Of course I will, Haz.”_

_~_

Harry jolted awake, tears streaming down his cheeks at the piercing ache in his heart as fragments of his memory- of _the memory-_ settled into his consciousness.

“You _absolute_ idiot.” He huffed sadly at the fragile, still unconscious patient, tightening his grip on the limp hand of the smaller male briefly before he pressed a chaste kiss to the cool skin.

“And that you really are. I can’t believe you would think that I could want _this_ ; that I could want to be anywhere without you. Like, why would you even?! You’re lucky that I love you. You hear that? I love you, you silly boy.” He leaned up to place a soft kiss to the edge of Louis’ lips, pulling back to brush loose strands of his feathery fringe away from his eyes.

“ _My silly boo.”_ He whispered fondly, planting another lingering kiss on the top of his head, not noticing the way Louis’ lashes fluttered, blinking open with a confused daze at the unexpected pressure on his forehead.

“ _Harry?”_ He rasped quietly, giving a small amused smile at the undignified squawk of shock from the said male hovering above him.

“Lou! You’re awake!” 

“What happened? Where am I?”

“You’re in the hospital; you got stabbed, you idiot. Not too deeply and nowhere critical, thank God.” Harry laughed giddily in relief, cupping Louis’ face in his huge palms, tears prickling at the sight of those baby blues staring back at him. He swooped back down, fitting his lips over slightly chapped ones, tongue stealing into the familiar warmth when Louis squeaked in surprise.

“Harry- I don’t- You can’t- _Harry._ ” Louis admonished, voice wavering as Harry peppered tiny kisses over his face, trailing down his jaw and sucking gently at the sensitive spot in the crook of his neck.

“ _Boobear.”_

“Wha- What did you call me?” He gasped breathlessly, body subconsciously leaning into the comforting warmth of Harry’s touch, the teasing lilt to his voice. His mind was whirring at the familiarity of the situation- one that should have been lost to him- as Harry let out a long, heavy sigh.

“I know, Lou.”

“H-How?”

“When they rang, they said, um. They said that I was the emergency contact for a Louis Styles and- just. Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, emerald eyes pleading as he smoothed a thumb across _those_ cheekbones. Louis shrugged, eyes darting away as he fidgeted with the bed covers, voice a dejected murmur.

“I- You were happy.”

“I was happier with _you_!” Harry yelled in agitation, voice dropping to a hushed whisper when Louis flinched from the sudden outburst.

“I _am_ happier with you. I love you, Lou, always have.”

“But… What about Nick?”

“What _about_ Nick? There’s nothing going on between us, you idiot. We’re just friends.”

Kneeling down in front of him, he gently tilts Louis’ head till his eyes flickered up to meet his, feeling his heart squeeze at the conflicting mess of emotions swirling within those baby blue orbs- all the pain, the confusion, the hurt, the regret, the loss. And yet beneath that all, in the depths of those fear clouded eyes, he saw it- the unwavering, undying love. There was the desire to hope, yet not daring to, the calling to protect, yet knowing he would be the one to hurt… _God… What have I been doing to him…_

“Lou, you’re it for me. I don’t want anyone else. I just want you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Alright! Finally finished this one, hasn't been beta-d 'cause I have no beta, so I apologize if it's a bit of a mess! I also do apologize for it sort of jumping from present and past tenses, as well as writing styles- it just works better for me like this for some reason lol.
> 
> It's not my best work, and I can't even decide if I'm proud of this, but... well. It's done. 
> 
> I hope you do like it, kudos and comments if you would <3 (That'd be very very much loved. VERY MUCH LOVED.)


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